my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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