This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
