you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We need to get me chipped asap
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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