he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
