I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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