every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
