so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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