The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
