I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
