I faked an abortion last night.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
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he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
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I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.