so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?