I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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