The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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