If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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