you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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