dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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