I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
