i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
