They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
