why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just want to make out with him forever
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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