he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
