I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
NoShamevember. You game?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
