he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I fill condoms, not promises.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
