plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
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I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
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what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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