I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
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Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
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We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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