I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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