i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
