I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
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Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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