omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
