I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
