Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
