I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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