smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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