so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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