I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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