The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
