This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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