i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize