We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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