Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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