living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
