My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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