I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
