I'm really into asian looking animals
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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