Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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