My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
