How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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