Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
