Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
how does that bad decision feel?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
