You can't special order awesome
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
