I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
