i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
