You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
