i would punch a child for taco bell
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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