Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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