She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
