Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
