I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just threw up on my dentist
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
