Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
