I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats