It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling