Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.