I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
