Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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