I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
sarcasm needs its own font
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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