Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
